Throwin’ Shade: Houston, We Have A Problem

Friday night brings us a stellar match-up between Orlando City SC and the Houston Dynamo. Check out Andrew Marcinko’s in-depth preview of the game.

Herein, I throw some shade at General Sam Houston's namesake. And, if you're here to talk about the Carolina Challenge Cup, kindly click the X in the top right of your screen.

The Houston Dynamo have had a really successful franchise, one the city can be proud of. Sure, they stole it from San Jose, but as long as you scratch off the serial number and give it a new paint scheme, all's well that ends well.

Eventually, head coach Dominic Kinnear couldn’t take Houston anymore, and was on the first thing smokin’ back to San Jose. When asked why he was leaving Houston, he replied with something along the lines of, “Because another city will have me. I can’t wait to leave!”**

It's nice to have the game on a Friday, allowing the representatives of the City Beautiful to check out Houston's proud Livestock Show and Rodeo that takes up the month of March. If there's one thing to remember about Houston, it's full of B.S.

Take their claim to attendance of over 70,000 for a home game in 2006. Technically, they're right — 70,000 tickets were sold, and the Dynamo played a game. The caveat? After the Dynamo game, fans could stick around to see a team called FC Barcelona take on Club América. You may have heard of 'em.

Or how about their (thankfully discarded) original crest that totally embellished the history of the franchise?

I'm pretty good at Internetting, and I can't seem to find much on soccer in America in 1836. A lot about a war with Mexico, however. Maybe a Dynamo fan can fill you in.

Having won multiple MLS Cups and even more playoff appearances, surely this club has a rabid fan base, supporting groups, and casual fans alike to pack the stadium in all important games, right?

Wrong. Way, way wrong.

You spend a mile on I-4 in Orlando, one mile, and you see an Orlando City decal or magnet or billboard. You could take laps around The Loop in Houston and have a better chance seeing an FC Dallas fan.

So be ready, Houston. You can suspend our coaches, you can show red to our defense, but there's one thing we know you can't do.

Sell tickets.

In October, we took their player. Next, we take three points.

**All quotes in Throwin' Shade are entirely fictional.