Throwin’ Shade: Some Trash Talk for the New England Revolution

What a roller coaster the past week has been in Orlando. From scoring three goals in the Citrus Bowl against Ponte Preta to learning of the devastating news of Kevin Molino’s knee injury, beers have been had both in celebration and mourning at all of Orlando City’s Official Pubs. This weekend, we look to stabilize firmly in the celebratory category when we welcome the fellas from the New England Revolution.

I know what you’re thinking. “Wade, what exactly is New England, anyway?” Don’t be ashamed. I had to ask Google myself. Apparently, it’s Maine, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, and Massachusetts.

In other words, Boston. The rest of that is irrelevant.

I know they play their games in Foxborough. Or Foxboro. They can’t really decide what to call it. Census says the former, post office says the latter. But that’s besides the point. Foxborough (or ‘boro) is an awful little suburb in the middle of Whocares, New England.

Looking to kill a day in town? You could check out Gillette Stadium, the building that papa Patriots let little munchkin Revolution play in. Or Patriot Place, the outdoor shopping center adjacent to the stadium that contains all the stores you see at every outdoor mall in every middle class suburb across America.

After that? Um… there’s Grange Hall. It’s this building, and, uhm.. well.. it’s old. So there’s that.

Things are much more lively in big brother Boston, about 20 miles north of the “cute” little town. Boston is known for its rabid sports fan base, rich history and, of course, their thriving music scene.

It’s been said that Mickey Ward religiously listened to this tape while running in preparation of having his face pummeled in by the late great Arturo Gatti.

That’s sort of the theme from people in the area, isn’t it? Doug Flutie. Matt Hasselbeck. John Kerry. Kenny Florian. All very good at what they do, just not the best, simply put.

Before anybody gets going with how much the Celtics and Red Sox have won, let me stop you now. The Celtics won with a man from California who hated it there, and, later, with a man from Indiana that spent his off time in, you guessed it, Indiana. The Red Sox won when nobody cared, or when they were spending hundreds of millions of dollars buying players from other teams, similar to that rival of theirs they hate so much for spending hundreds of millions of dollars buying players from other teams.

As for the Patriots’ wins? Call me when you can do it without cheating scandals.

I’d throw shade at the Revolution’s winning history, but there isn’t a whole lot of it. They won the U.S. Open Cup in 2007. For a little perspective, that is the year the Beckham Era began for Major League Soccer.

The Fall River Marksmen stopped playing soccer 84 years ago, and they managed to have four Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup wins to their credit.

The Revs have appeared in five MLS Cup Finals, reaching Buffalo Bills levels of ineptitude when it comes to winning when it matters by bringing home the hardware a total of zero times.

Don’t take this wrong. The Revs are a strong team, capable of giving the boys in purple a real test on the pitch. Come Friday night, however, we’ll be drinking in celebration once again to not only three points, but also the comforting knowledge that at least we were never, ever, responsible for this.