The Mane Land MLS Power Rankings: Week 23



Minnesota United will officially be the team that takes the Minneapolis market into MLS in 2017, which substantiates what I think a lot of people already thought. With Minny’s entrance into the league, there are now three teams that have adopted the United moniker more usually found in Britain. As far as trends go, I’m pretty down on the whole “United” thing. Instead, I think that that all future MLS teams should take a page out of the New York Red Bulls‘ book and adopt corporately sponsored drink names. Think of the possibilities!

  • The Atlanta Coca-Colas: Instead of Atlanta United, Arthur Blank could earn some extra cash for his fledgling MLS side by partnering up with Atlanta’s most famous export. Just think, every Atlanta Journal-Constitution game recap could include puns with the word “fizz”.
  • The St. Louis Budweisers: Similar to Atlanta, should St. Louis ever get an MLS franchise it should definitely hook up with the beverage most associated with its town. They could call their USL reserve team the Bud Lights! St. Louis Soccer: “This game is for you.”
  • The Detroit Dirty Flint Water: I’m not sure there’d be much money in such a move, but the PR would surely be positive. They could bring back the economy of neighboring Flint by bottling up their water and selling it at Detroit MLS games.

Your power rankings for this, the 23rd full week of MLS action:

1. New York City FC (Last Week: 3)

The Bronx Blues came away with a big win over LA at home on Saturday, and thus move into the top position of this week's power rankings. NYCFC is unbeaten in four, with impressive home wins over Colorado and LA with two road draws in the middle.

2. Toronto FC (Last Week: 5)

Just as Giovinco was putting his “I’m the best player in the league” face back on, Jozy Altidore decided to come out of his goal-scoring hibernation to the tune of four goals in five games, including one this week that made him look like a big kid playing with kids two grades younger than him in a pickup game.

3. FC Dallas (Last Week: 1)

Dallas lost this week. In light of Fabián Castillo's exit, Dallas is still my title favorite but that may change in a few weeks' time.

4. Colorado Rapids (Last Week: 4)

Remember that troubling change in form the Rapids have been on, where wins have turned to draws? They're still on it. Colorado's draw to Orlando this week was their six such result in their last nine games, a span that includes just two wins.

5. LA Galaxy (Last Week: 2)

Speaking of troubling trends, LA's streak of being out-shot continued in its 1-0 loss at Yankee Stadium. Playing with fire is fun, until you burn the house down.

6. Sporing Kansas City (Last Week: 7)

KC won over Vancouver this week and currently sits sixth in the Supporters' Shield race.

7. Real Salt Lake (Last Week: 9)

Real Salt Lake had one of the biggest wins of the week with its 1-0 triumph over Dallas. RSL is one of three teams that are still undefeated at home, so home-field advantage could be huge for them come playoff time.

8. New York Red Bulls (Last Week: 6)

Bradley Wright-Phillips is now the highest scorer in Red Bulls/Metrostars history. Way to go, BWP.

9. Seattle Sounders (Last Week: 13)

Look at that: win three games in a row and suddenly you've moved out of the cellar and into the penthouse — er, well, at least a nice hotel room at the Red Roof Inn. Seattle suddenly looks destined for the postseason and is currently two points behind Portland, whom it just defeated.

10. Montreal Impact (Last Week: 8)

Montreal lost to Chicago by three goals this week. How do you say, "face-palm" in French?

11. Portland Timbers (Last Week: 11)

To paraphrase Forrest Gump, Portland is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. Could be some good stuff, or it could be a bunch of coconut covered crap.

12. Philadelphia Union (Last Week: 12)

So I'm supposed to believe this team is actually any good?

13. San Jose Earthquakes (Last Week: 10)

San Jose was upset by Houston this week, which delights me to no end. San Jose is so gross to watch that I've even soured on my opinion of the Bay Area as a whole, which is really saying something because San Francisco is delightful.

14. D.C. United (Last Week: 15)

D.C. tied the Red Bulls at home on national television. Hurry, text your friends who are D.C. fans and tell them, because judging by Sunday's attendance I doubt very many know that.

15. Vancouver Whitecaps (Last Week: 14)

Vancouver stinks. The Caps are bland and inoffensive; they are the elevator music of MLS.

16. Houston Dynamo (Last Week: 17)

Stop winning, Houston! The more you win, the less likely Dynamo management will be willing to pull a stunt like making DaMarcus Beasley the first player-coach in MLS history.

17. Orlando City (Last Week: 16)

I hear you, my purple-clad haters. You're saying, "Orlando drew one of the best teams in the league on the road. How do you drop them a place?!" Well, I must admit you have a point. Leaving Colorado with a shutout and a valuable road point is an admirable result, however all the other teams in Orlando's power rankings neighborhood won this week, and so deserve to move up. Gotta start keeping up with the Joneses, Jason Kreis!

18. Chicago Fire (Last Week: 19)

Chicago won away from home for the first time since 2014, which puts an end to my favorite streak in MLS. Prior to this week, Chivas USA had won a road game more recently than the Chicago Fire.

19. Columbus Crew (Last Week: 20)

Columbus won for the first time since May this week.

20. New England Revolution (Last Week: 18)

If MLS had pro/rel, New England would be in the relegation zone right now. Instead, the Revs are two points out of a playoff spot. Pro/rel trolls everywhere hate this fact with the intensity of 1,000 computer screens.


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