Transfer Rumors: The Daydreamer Edition

Well, here we are. Only one more game remains in the MLS regular season, which will see OCSC travel up to Philadelphia to take on the Union. Sadly, the Lions’ season will be over after that, with the MLS postseason due to wrap up soon afterwards. And while the 2018 MLS transfer window won’t open up for almost three months after the Phillip F. Anschutz Trophy is hoisted into the air, there has already been a fair bit of transfer gossip involving MLS, including some rumors that perhaps even border on ludicrous.

But you know what? That’s okay. Because completely outlandish scenarios and situations are something I can get behind, as evidenced by one of my previous pieces for this lovely site. Just a quick word before we get started, some of what follows, while ridiculous to some degree, will have at least been rumored at some point recently, while other things…will simply be pure fantasy. If that grinds your gears then you should probably click to another corner of the internet, because we’re going straight down the rabbit hole on this one folks.

Cyle Larin

Are you even surprised to see his name here? Jason Kreis has been on record before saying that there have been questions from the media about selling Larin ever since he got to the club. And he’s not wrong. Back before the summer window opened, there were several clubs reportedly monitoring him, including Anderlecht, Celtic, Everton, and, more recently, both Leeds and Besiktas. To be quite honest, this is one of the more solid entries in this little list, especially given the signing of Dom Dwyer. His estimated value of 3.15 million pounds is the more interesting part though, especially since those Leeds rumors have popped up more than once. That would be a hefty little sum and, in the no-holds-barred fantasy land of this article, could pave a way for some of the more outlandish names on this list. For example:

James Rodríguez

Why even bother pulling my punches and saving this one? Let’s just wade knee deep into the insanity from the get-go. This week, the Colombian was linked to a move to MLS several times, with Orlando City named as a potential destination. The only problem is that, well, the idea is a little absurd. Sure selling Cyle Larin, and offloading some of the more expensive players like Antonio Nocerino, Giles Barnes, and Carlos Rivas could free up some money, but the idea of a 26-year-old James Rodríguez coming to play in MLS is a little weird. It’s making my eye twitch just writing about it. Now don’t get all uppity and accuse me of crapping on MLS, because “it’s actually one of the top leagues in the world.” I’m not trying to diss MLS. All I’m saying is that the guy could play for almost any team in the world, (no, he probably wouldn’t walk into every single starting XI, that’s not what I’m saying) and not to self-deprecate here, but I’m not sure why he would choose an MLS club over say, Juventus.

Cristiano Ronaldo

These damn Real Madrid players and their rumors. Yeah there were rumors of C-Ron signing for LAFC over the summer but that never materialized. While it still might over the coming months, I would be more than a little shocked if it actually happened. With a rumored weekly wage of 350,000 pounds, which adds up to 18.2 million euros a year, that just seems a bit impossible without him taking a massive wage cut. Which isn’t out of the question I suppose, but the prospect still seems just a little too ridiculous. Honestly, I kind of hope it doesn’t happen simply because people would act like the sky was falling. They’d be freaking out left, right and center. Eh, maybe that would be kind of funny.

Lionel Messi

Surely you knew this was coming. And there’s absolutely no substance behind this entry whatsoever. But who cares? Can you imagine the chaos that would ensue if he came across the pond? People would lose their minds, there would be rioting in the streets, people asking him to kiss their babies and bless them with his prodigious soccer skills. While that would also be pretty funny, I’m also legitimately concerned about the security of the nation if he comes to ply his trade over here.

Mario Balotelli

Again, no substance to this one but I definitely don’t care. This one I would honestly love to see, simply because if there’s one thing I need more of, it’s Mario Balotelli. Just imagine him playing for OCSC, scoring boatloads of goals one month and shooting fireworks at academy players the next. Sure it would be frustrating, but it would also just be so incredibly entertaining. Plus, he would do some good things for the community, like confronting schoolyard bullies or giving homeless people large sums of money. Okay, there are rumors that those things didn’t actually happen. But honestly, I don’t even care, I’d just like to see those press conferences.

This didn’t end up being quite as ridiculous as I was hoping it would be, which is sad. But, much like Neymar and Cavani both wanting to take penalties, you can’t always have everything you want in life. Maybe once the winter window hits and things start getting crazy I’ll do another one. Stay frosty Mane Landers, I’ll surprise you when you least expect it.